Finding My Voice

Although many of life's problems seem to stem from those around us, they are often rooted in challenges we face with ourselves. I experienced this lesson firsthand towards the end of my three week stay at Columbia University's campus in New York City. Even among 1600 other Ivy League hopefuls, I felt alone with my new found autonomy. I could feel the independence rushing through my veins, urging me to make new friends, expand my knowledge and step out of the comfortable shell that had been my protection for the last sixteen years. Although I do not believe I truly fulfilled the last goal by the end of the program, the struggles I faced in completing the final project of my Leadership in Law class proved to bring me a step closer to overcoming these internal conflicts that would eventually lead to the resolution of the challenges I face with others.

"Listen up everyone. Practicum presentations are tomorrow and I'll be honest: I'm expecting great things from all of you," hollered Mr. O'Brien with a grin so wide I swear I could see his back molars.

At that point, I wish I could say I was half as enthusiastic as my professor about my practicum project on censorship. Sure, I had felt myself grinning and bouncing with excitement when we were first coming up with ways to fight censorship, but my group had unfortunately decided to split up and pursue different types of censorship individually: educational, media, religious, business and Internet. That decision was made two weeks ago, when the project was first assigned, as I sat with my feet tapping incessantly trying to figure out how to suggest that focusing on one specific issue would likely result in a better project.

Well, I could tell them that by focusing on one specific topic, our presentation would be more coherent. But who's issue of choice would we use? How could I argue for one topic and dismiss the four other topics that the rest of my group members were interested in?

These persistent thoughts rapidly cycled through my head as I fumbled with my nails, staring at the pink polish so intently that one would have thought they held the answer to my burning questions.

That was weeks ago and now, I had more imminent issues to deal with: none of my groups members thought it was necessary to practice our presentation beforehand.

"We'll practice on our own; it'll be okay. Besides, I'm busy after class," insisted Kristiana as she rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders at the same time.

Busy, busy busy. That is all I have heard from my group members in the past few weeks. My classmates back home would never come up with so many excuses; the last place I would have expected to hear them would be at an Ivy League college preparatory program.

Biting my tongue, I held back my words of disgust at a person that was so unwilling to work. Fortunately, Evan and Sara agreed to help edit our PowerPoint together.

Shivering in the under-heated group study room of the Butler Library, the three of us fumbled with this picture and that video until the table began shaking from Evan's vibrating phone.

"Sorry guys, I gotta go now. My friends are waiting for me," Evan mumbled as he picked up his notebook and bolted for the door.

"Wait! Don't forget to add..." I shouted, lunging for the door to make sure he had heard me.

He had not; the slam of the door left me muted, unable to comprehend what had just happened. I also wanted to tell him he had to stay; we were not finished our PowerPoint!

This brief excerpt from my three weeks at Columbia effectively summarizes the way I had felt for most of my practicum project. I could not understand how students with such high aspirations could be so unwilling to work and for a lack of a better word, just plain lazy. I failed to comprehend the absence of any motivation or desire to work together. Through the most difficult times, I could not believe how they ignored my opinions. Only after the program and upon returning home did I realize that they had never really dismissed my contributions; I had just never expressed my thoughts and worries. All the time I wanted to make changes to our project or ask a group member to be more considerate, I had only ranted in my own head. Despite the irresponsibility of my group members, I had failed to truly contribute. I constantly faced the challenge of being too afraid to speak up and that constraint ultimately led to the endless external conflict I felt with my group members. Now I know that to truly solve the issues around us, we must first overcome the challenges we face with ourselves.