Fear: A Never-Ending Cycle

Death and war are rational fears, but I do not fear them as I have yet to encounter them. My greatest fears are those that I must face regularly, those that are always in my thoughts and recur in a perpetual cycle. I am afraid of public speaking, of getting bad grades, and of disappointing my parents. These fears are all essentially rooted in my greatest fear: that of making mistakes.

Speaking to a group exposes the speaker to the vulnerability of being ridiculed for making a mistake: saying or doing something unexpected, strange, or “wrong.” In a practiced presentation, it is not the content that makes me vulnerable, but rather my tendency to stray from my practiced “perfection” by making an error in my speech, especially under the pressure of expectant eyes and ears. Contrastingly, spontaneous public speaking exposes me both to the mistakes mentioned above as well as to expressing an illogical idea that has not been well thought out. Evidently, the latter form of public speaking poses a greater fear to me, but both are in essence the fear of making a mistake.

My fear for public speaking is based in the fear of making a mistake in front of others; this could be an audience of classmates, but could also be a group of strangers. In the case of the latter, this fear may be slightly irrational in that the minor mistake of stuttering or pronouncing a word incorrectly would leave an insignificant impression on a stranger who I may never meet again or at the least, would unlikely be significant to my future. Contrastingly, grades are known not only to my parents and me, but also to scholarship granters, and more importantly, university application reviewers. The significance of university to me, therefore, makes my fear of receiving unsatisfactory grades extremely rational. Being wrong on tests or assignments results in lower grades; even the smallest mistake has an impact on marks. The lower my grade falls, the greater my fear is of making more mistakes. Therefore, my fear of making mistakes and of receiving poor grades are reciprocal in that either one causes the other.

Mistakes that cost future opportunities, such as attending my desired university, are terrifying. But in some instances, the fear of making mistakes that disappoint my parents, who work so hard to help me succeed, is even greater. The fact that I have never received a grade low enough for them to express their disappointment makes me worry about the consequences of this were to occur. Being the cause of disappointment is a greater burden than being the receiver of disappointment; from the rare cases when I have disappointed my parents, not for the reason of grades, I know that disappointing them demoralizes me. However, I would deem this fear as slightly irrational because I know that my success is not the only reason for the hard work they have put into me; they must genuinely care about me and want to see me happy. Despite the slight irrationality of my fear of disappointing my parents, it is still justified by the simple fact that I want to see my parents happy and disappointing them would surely counter that desire.

I am truly afraid of making mistakes; although my reasons are not always justified, the rational reasons I have ultimately outweigh the irrational. Consequentially, the fear is more of a cause than an inhibitor of my success. My lack of public speaking skills is surely the worst consequence of my fear, but the beneficial results include my constant strive for perfection which results in better grades and greater success in all my endeavours. This desire for perfection is then also a cause for my fear of making mistakes. The cyclical nature of this desire and this fear is essentially the basis for my success; therefore, I do not foresee nor wish for my deep-seated fear of making mistakes to ever go away.

Dorian Gray Revealed

            In The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde uses irony as a means of foreshadowing Dorian’s change and illustrating deeper meanings. The sardonic nature of the plot is well suited to the use of irony, which, in three significant examples, reveals a bitter reality, a menacing fate and a collection of negative personality traits which the protagonist possesses.

            The optimism of Basil Hallward, the painter of Dorian’s portrait, provides a positive contrast to Lord Henry’s cynical theories about life. However, even into Basil’s words, Wilde weaves dark irony that serves to expose a disturbing truth about human nature. Basil revels in his apparent epiphany that “‘we in our madness have separated [soul and body] and have invented a realism that is vulgar, an ideality that is void’” (11). Basil thinks that he can overcome this “madness” by painting not just of one’s appearance, but also of their soul, therein creating a magnificent work that is better than any portrait ever painted (11). The portrait of Dorian does at first seem beautiful, fully capturing the vicarious youth and innocence of the young man; however, it soon takes on a cruel smile that reflects Dorian’s soul while his body remains forever a reflection of his youthful appearance. This is exactly the “madness” of separating the soul and body which Basil describes and believes that he can overcome by simply acknowledging the foolishness (11). However, this separation is not a result of “madness” but is rather a truth that cannot be overcome (11). The fact that Dorian’s soul and body remain separate despite Basil’s effort in harmonizing the two illustrates the reality that the nature of one’s appearance and one’s personality are not always the same; soul and body cannot always be harmonized. This central theme of the novel, therefore, is revealed by the deep-seated irony in Basil’s epiphany.  

          In contrast to the inconspicuous significance of Basil’s words, Lord Henry uses a simile to describe Dorian that explicitly foreshadows his eventual suffering and his dire fate:

It was no matter how it all ended, or was destined to end. He was like one of those gracious figures in a pageant or a play, whose joys seem to be remote from one, but whose sorrows stir one’s sense of beauty, and whose wounds are like red roses (65).

There is, again, irony in that the “gracious figures” which Dorian is compared to initially appear to reveal a positive trait (65). However, this is clearly not true once the simile is further developed. The word “destined” immediately suggests the significant role of fate in Dorian’s future (65). The simile then reveals this fate – brief happiness and long lasting, heavy sorrow. Dorian’s eternal beauty will only satisfy him at a superficial level, but his cruel nature will forever be embedded in the painting that will only grow increasingly sinister. The horrible reflection of his soul will “stir [his] sense of beauty,” make him feel ugly despite his aesthetic beauty (65). His “wounds,” the constant tormenting that he will experience from seeing the painting evolve, will make his soul more and more hideous, just as “red roses” will only wilt (65). In this single significant simile, Lord Henry captures the bitterness in Dorian’s future which will only grow with time.

            Although the speech of others reveals a significant amount about Dorian, his own thoughts ultimately serve to expose the most about himself. In pondering what effects the evolving painting would have, Dorian decides that “he would be safe. That was everything” (120). Dorian’s conclusion epitomizes his egotistical, shallow, and selfish yet naïve personality. Again, there is a bitter irony in that Dorian believes that by letting the painting change and age instead of his own appearance, “he would be safe” (120). However, the way the cruel expression on the painting torments Dorian foreshadows that the harm induced on him by this torment will eventually outweigh that of seeing himself age physically. Therefore, Dorian’s simple thought serves to not only reveal his shallow nature that explains the reason for his wish for eternal youth, but also foreshadows increasing suffering for Dorian as his portrait evolves.

            In conclusion, the theme of the novel and much of Dorian’s fate as well as his personality is revealed through irony. Interpretation of the aforementioned quotes, especially, provides a thorough understanding of the themes of the novel as well as an indication of Dorian’s hideous personality and his ominous future.  

Show Some Effort

Informal abbreviations used in formal situations are inappropriate and clearly reflect a lack of effort on the part of the writer. The clear division that exists between formal and informal situations allows for ease in adherence to conventions of the English language when necessary. Assignments, cover letters and resumes, formal pieces that are intended to reflect one’s intellectual abilities, should be written in a completely different context than informal pieces such as texts and instant messages, used to replace conversational speech. Informal abbreviations should be used for the convenience of speed in contexts when the words would otherwise be spoken. This reflects a positive evolution in the means of communication and should be embraced for its efficiency in an ever evolving fast-paced society.

In formal situations, however, bringing the written language down to the level of spoken language obliterates the development that has been made in the written form and clearly degrades the esteem of the English language. In regard to the importance placed on reflecting oneself as professional and capable even in applying to entry level jobs, employers would most definitely not consider a candidate with an informally written resume. This informality reflects a lack of traits that are desired by any respectable adult such as effort, attention to detail and intellect. For the same reason that informal abbreviations are a positive for communication, they are a huge negative in assignments and resumes. For teachers and employers, often as important as work completed well is an indication that time and effort was put in; this conventional way of thinking is fundamental in a society that rewards not only those who always excel, but also those who work hard.

In conclusion, informal abbreviations reflect positive evolution when used in the appropriate situations, but completely degrade the English language when used in formal situations. The evolution that has created the fast-paced world of today would not logically occur in academic or formal work situations where time and effort spent on work reflects how well it is received.    

Dorian Gray: Destined to Die Young

In Oscar Wilde’s A Picture of Dorian Gray, the protagonist undergoes a major change at the beginning of the novel that reveals a sinisterly vain peculiarity, foreshadowing that Dorian Gray will only grow in his menacing nature. Dorian’s desire for youth is a relatable one, but his fanatical pursuit for it is extreme. The chance in Dorian is better understood through introducing Dorian first through the lens of his painter, Basil Hallward.

Dorian is introduced through Basil Hallward, a painter who has developed an obsession with Dorian’s perfect appearance and its power in revealing a way of thinking and creating art that he had never before imagined. Through observing Dorian and utilizing him as a sitter for his paintings, Basil claims to have unconsciously discovered how to express “the harmony of soul and body” through his art, a breakthrough that has yet to be discovered by any painter (11). In Basil’s bold claims, Dorian is revealed to be a man of influential appearance that has the power to inspire one to discover oneself; however, it is this seemingly positive trait that proves fatal for Dorian.

Dorian’s major change occurs shortly after, when he meets Basil’s friend, Lord Henry, who imparts to him a harsh reality that he “only has a few years in which to live really, perfectly and fully” (25). Dorian had never cared too much about his looks before, but listening “open-eyed and wondering,” his gullibility allows Lord Henry’s influential words to illicit  a vanity in him that awakens “the real Dorian Gray” (30). Evidently, Lord Henry is to Dorian what Dorian is to Basil: an influential figure that sparks inner change. Because of Dorian’s new view on the importance of his few years of youth, Dorian feels “the sense of his own beauty [come to] him like a revelation” after seeing Basil’s post-influenced painting of him (28). This realisation of his fleeting youth, foreshadows his unrealistic desire to preserve it that would haunt Dorian for the rest of his life. After observing the painting a while longer, Dorian “felt as if a hand of ice had been laid on his heart;” he truly resents how the perfection and beauty of his portrait will last forever while his beauty will soon be lost with age (29). Ridden with jealousy, Dorian wishes that “the picture could change and [he] could be always as [he] is now” (30). He sees himself so much in the painting that when Basil attempts to destroy it, Dorian cries “don’t, Basil, don’t...It would be murder!” (31). Again, the unrealistic desire that Dorian has with maintaining the youth that is captured in Basil’s painting signifies his vanity and bitter unrest that will only continue until he gets his wish.

Dorian’s growing desire to obtain his wish to trade places with the “him” in his painting and remain forever youthful is bordering insanity, and causes me to predict that he will get his wish. However, a brief history of his mother and one of Lord Henry’s ominous theories foreshadow that pursuing his desire will only prove fatal. Dorian’s mother, Margaret, decided to follow her heart and ignore the conventions of society around her; she ran away with a “penniless young fellow” even though she was gorgeous and the most handsome man at the time “went on his knees to her” (37–38). Unfortunately, her father being against this outrageous decision had the young fellow killed and Margaret dies a year later. Combined with Lord Henry’s theory that “to get back one’s youth, one has merely to repeat one’s follies,” Dorian’s future appears bleak (46). Lord Henry’s theory suggests that most mistakes are made in one’s youth; therefore, Dorian will remain susceptible to the follies of youth that killed his mother. In acting rashly in the direction of his illogical desire and despite remaining young forever, I predict that Dorian’s displeasure will not be resolved. He will only be haunted by the aging face in the portrait and realize the terrible feeling of remaining young while all those he loves age and pass away. Although Lord Henry influenced Dorian to change with his words of warning, he had meant for Dorian to take advantage of his youth to the best of his ability, not to succumb to the vain desire of remaining in his youth forever. It is difficult to feel sympathy for such an erratic character that would go to such lengths for vanity.

Finding My Voice

Although many of life's problems seem to stem from those around us, they are often rooted in challenges we face with ourselves. I experienced this lesson firsthand towards the end of my three week stay at Columbia University's campus in New York City. Even among 1600 other Ivy League hopefuls, I felt alone with my new found autonomy. I could feel the independence rushing through my veins, urging me to make new friends, expand my knowledge and step out of the comfortable shell that had been my protection for the last sixteen years. Although I do not believe I truly fulfilled the last goal by the end of the program, the struggles I faced in completing the final project of my Leadership in Law class proved to bring me a step closer to overcoming these internal conflicts that would eventually lead to the resolution of the challenges I face with others.

"Listen up everyone. Practicum presentations are tomorrow and I'll be honest: I'm expecting great things from all of you," hollered Mr. O'Brien with a grin so wide I swear I could see his back molars.

At that point, I wish I could say I was half as enthusiastic as my professor about my practicum project on censorship. Sure, I had felt myself grinning and bouncing with excitement when we were first coming up with ways to fight censorship, but my group had unfortunately decided to split up and pursue different types of censorship individually: educational, media, religious, business and Internet. That decision was made two weeks ago, when the project was first assigned, as I sat with my feet tapping incessantly trying to figure out how to suggest that focusing on one specific issue would likely result in a better project.

Well, I could tell them that by focusing on one specific topic, our presentation would be more coherent. But who's issue of choice would we use? How could I argue for one topic and dismiss the four other topics that the rest of my group members were interested in?

These persistent thoughts rapidly cycled through my head as I fumbled with my nails, staring at the pink polish so intently that one would have thought they held the answer to my burning questions.

That was weeks ago and now, I had more imminent issues to deal with: none of my groups members thought it was necessary to practice our presentation beforehand.

"We'll practice on our own; it'll be okay. Besides, I'm busy after class," insisted Kristiana as she rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders at the same time.

Busy, busy busy. That is all I have heard from my group members in the past few weeks. My classmates back home would never come up with so many excuses; the last place I would have expected to hear them would be at an Ivy League college preparatory program.

Biting my tongue, I held back my words of disgust at a person that was so unwilling to work. Fortunately, Evan and Sara agreed to help edit our PowerPoint together.

Shivering in the under-heated group study room of the Butler Library, the three of us fumbled with this picture and that video until the table began shaking from Evan's vibrating phone.

"Sorry guys, I gotta go now. My friends are waiting for me," Evan mumbled as he picked up his notebook and bolted for the door.

"Wait! Don't forget to add..." I shouted, lunging for the door to make sure he had heard me.

He had not; the slam of the door left me muted, unable to comprehend what had just happened. I also wanted to tell him he had to stay; we were not finished our PowerPoint!

This brief excerpt from my three weeks at Columbia effectively summarizes the way I had felt for most of my practicum project. I could not understand how students with such high aspirations could be so unwilling to work and for a lack of a better word, just plain lazy. I failed to comprehend the absence of any motivation or desire to work together. Through the most difficult times, I could not believe how they ignored my opinions. Only after the program and upon returning home did I realize that they had never really dismissed my contributions; I had just never expressed my thoughts and worries. All the time I wanted to make changes to our project or ask a group member to be more considerate, I had only ranted in my own head. Despite the irresponsibility of my group members, I had failed to truly contribute. I constantly faced the challenge of being too afraid to speak up and that constraint ultimately led to the endless external conflict I felt with my group members. Now I know that to truly solve the issues around us, we must first overcome the challenges we face with ourselves.